The moment when you realize you have NO CHOICE, but to CHANGE!

    As I'm writing this post, I'm kinda upset!! I just got done getting ready for work. I looked in the mirror which I totally try to avoid because I just get upset and I noticed small hairs growing by my lips now!! Are you serious? They are very fine and light colored, but noticeable. This is just another reason I hate PCOS! I remember when I didn't have to shave at all, but then one day my dad pointed out (yes, my dad) that I had small black hairs growing under my chin...I could have screamed!! He wasn't trying to be mean, but it's just a reminder that I'm not "normal". So, I got used to shaving a couple spots under my chin, but now I get to get used to shaving near my lip to :( To me, this is a sign that my PCOS is getting worse which means I have no choice, but to change because it can get a lot worse! Some women even have mustaches...this stinks :(

   I do have to admit, seeing this makes me hate myself even more, but it also lights some motivation to fight PCOS. I started going to the gym last night. I didn't do too much because frankly I dragged myself into the doors, but now that I have noticed the hair..it makes me want to fight. So, tonight after Jeremiah and I get outta work I will be going to the gym and working hard!! I hope this is a new routine for me! I started taking DCI which is suppose to help with the insulin resistance with PCOS and make it so I don't turn everything into fat, but energy like normal people...and since then I can say that I have started feeling more energy. See, another downer of PCOS is you have fatigue/depression/anxiety.....I'm now realizing this is a I HATE PCOS post lol! Anyway, so the fact hat DCI has helped give me some energy gives me hope.

  For those that have no idea what PCOS is, I encourage you to take 5 minutes and read about it because chances are you know somebody going through it. As far as my cycle goes, haven't had one in 4 months maybe longer...I'm trying not to take the fake progesterone to intiate a "period" because the last time I started naturally. I have been spotting the last couple weeks, but it just stops for some reason. Talk about my body sending me mixed signals right? I'm going to keep exercising and taking the DCI which lowers testosterone and in turn helps regulate periods and maybe get me ovulating so I can get pregnant. I'm not stressing to much about the infertility thing because I know I need to lose weight and get myself healthy before I can worry about having a child, but can't lie it's always in the back of my mind.

   I'll keep posting...for now.......I have now realized I have no choice but to change!!

You wanna do what????

     I felt like writing today so here it goes...still haven't gone to the gym, but when Jeremiah (my husband) gets home we are going to the gym. I can be honest, I don't feel motivation to go today, but I have to force myself to get back in the routine! I thought about going to Zumba at the gym, but I don't know if I can just go in there by myself with my anxiety, but I think I would enjoy it...something to think about I guess. I had a good idea that I am doing...I bought a neon yellow poster board at Wal-mart and I'm going to use it as motivation to lose weight. I had my husband take pics of my FAT lol..and I'm going to post it next to the poster. Then as I lose weight I will take pics..prlly every 5lbs so I can see progress and keep going. I'll have it posted in my living room so I can see it everyday. Nobody comes over very often so don't have to worry about that.

     I've enjoyed my days off here..but it's back to the daily grind tomorrow. I love my job, but it's mentally draining dealing with customer problems call after call then you go home and you have your own issues of life to deal with. This is why I don't feel like I have the energy to do anything. One way to ease the troubles are my husband i try to get out of the house on our days off. This Sunday I'm going to Barren River State park with him to sit by the water and hike which is good exercise. I get ancy in good weather and like to get out of the house!

     I finally got my internship intiated with the Red Cross and I'm excited about it, but it's another thing on my list of stuff to do. I have to get these last 4 classes out of the way and then I will finally have my Associate's degree, but then I have to get my Bachelor's degree. It's exhausting! I know I'll feel good thought when I have the diplomas.

      I still don't know what we are doing for our anniversary! We have been talking about infertility a lot lately and it bothers me. Jeremiah feels like we might not ever get pregnant and has kind of given up hope. That's really hard to hear, but I understand where he's coming from because everything we tried didn't help. He wants me to lose weight and thinks that it will help our chances. I went to the zoo last weekend and it was really hard to watch all the families walking with their babies and little one's....Jeremiah agreed. I pictured when we have a kid finally taking them to see all the animals. I torture myself and watch 16 & Pregnant lol and I started picturing the other day......how fun it would be to set up who would be in my delivery room, having my family all around, and all the pics to take of that special moment. I hope one day this will come to pass, but I have to earn it first..and this is how I'm getting motivation to lose the weight. I'm also losing it because I'm not happy with how I look at all!!! I can't even get a good pic of myself! Plus, I want to look good for Jeremiah, even though he says it doesn't bother him!

   Well, time to get to making my poster board......I can't wait to put the results up!! I'll wait until I see progress lol.

Adjusting to life

     I've been trying to find a way to manage my time and life so I can incorporate healthy changes into it. I feel like I'm always exhausted by the time I go to work and come home. Those around me see it as I'm being lazy and not wanting to go to the gym or do things that need to be done, but in reality it's on my mind ALL the time, but I just don't have the energy to get things done. I love my job as a customer service rep for Shopnbc, but it's mentally draining so by the time I come home at 9:30 at night all I want to do is relax, but my husband wants to go the gym. I know that I need to go, but I feel like I'm already stressed out and have zero energy that if I go to the gym that's just another thing on my list to get done. I want to have a kid and I know that I'm going to have to lose weight before that will happen, so I need to change something. I think this week I'm going to try to start going during the morning hours. Then another issue is we eat dinner at like 9:30 at night which I know isn't good considering we are just going to bed, but really what other choice do we have? I'm going to try and start making dinner before I go to work, but it sounds like another thing for me to do before work. I always have things on my mind that need to be completed and they weigh on me all the time, but trouble is nobody sees it and they think that I just don't want to bother or I'll never change. I go through these motivation stages as I call them, where I'm super motivated and I get on track, but then I fall off and give up. It's a constant repeating cycle as you can even tell by my previous blog. I start and then I stop..it irritates me!! So, this blog is just a diary so I didn't put the pressure on myself to make it a "weight loss blog". On another note...

   Today is the first day of May, which means our anniversary is coming up!! I get excited about this because it means we've made it another year! It's scary when everyone around us seems to be divorcing and finding other people, but what we have is strong/special I think! We definitely have our problems lol like anybody else, but we work them out and know that we love each other more than anything. I love him so much!! I don't know what to do for our anniversary this year..I'm tired of the tradition of going to the hotel and dinner. A few ideas are camping at Barren River State park, going to movie/dinner/hotel, or going to Mammoth cave. I guess I'll make  up my mind closer to the date!

....Guess this is the end of this post. I don't really have anything else on my mind. The schedule thing is really weighing on my mind and I need to fix it! Any ideas would be greatly appreciated! My husband works 10am-10pm and I work 4:30pm-9:30pm..I will be starting intern-shipping for school in June which will only add to my schedule. Sometimes, I wish life would slowwww down! Thanks for listening to be blab lol, hopefully my posts won't be this boring for now on :) Please subscribe if you want!